I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
