is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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