Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
