I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
