hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
