Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
