yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
