I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
