Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
