I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
