I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
