Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
