Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
