shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you would pick up someone in the library
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
