I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
