Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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