There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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