Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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