One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
