I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
