my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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