i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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