Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize