Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
