apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
