ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
