I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Randomize
