if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize