so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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