So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
