Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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