Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
