Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
