He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
