What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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