Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize