so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
how does that bad decision feel?
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