this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
