Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
