My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
