Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
