at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
