I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
