Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize