Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
