Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
