What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
