dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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