So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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