Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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