why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
