You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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