he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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