my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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